Are you ready to redefine the way you parent and unlock the potential in your children? Prepare to embark on a journey with Dr. Kathy Koch, as we delve into her insights on raising kids who shine with biblical character while running a successful business at the same time.
Dr. Kathy, renowned for her book "Parent Differently," brings to the table a fresh perspective on setting boundaries as blessings and prioritizing character development to help our children realize their divine purpose.
As we navigate the complexities of parenting, we also tackle the digital era's tough questions, acknowledging the hurdles technology places on fostering virtues like gratitude and joy.
This episode is not just a conversation; it's a call to action for all parents aspiring to leave a legacy of faith and virtue in their children, equipping them to thrive and impact society for the better.
Enjoy
Are you ready to redefine the way you parent and unlock the potential in your children? Prepare to embark on a journey with Dr. Kathy Koch, as we delve into her insights on raising kids who shine with biblical character while running a successful business at the same time.
Dr. Kathy, renowned for her book "Parent Differently," brings to the table a fresh perspective on setting boundaries as blessings and prioritizing character development to help our children realize their divine purpose.
As we navigate the complexities of parenting, we also tackle the digital era's tough questions, acknowledging the hurdles technology places on fostering virtues like gratitude and joy.
This episode is not just a conversation; it's a call to action for all parents aspiring to leave a legacy of faith and virtue in their children, equipping them to thrive and impact society for the better.
Enjoy
Welcome back to the Expert Ownership Podcast. This is David, and I have booted Jason off the podcast because I have someone so much more special with me, dr Kathy Cook. She is a wonderful friend of ours and many of you that have listened to the Expert Ownership Podcast. You have heard Jason and I talk about the eight great traits. You've heard us talk about the five core human needs that everybody has. It's security, identity, purpose, competence and belonging. All of that came from Dr Kathy Cook, a very good friend of ours, and she has just published a book that I absolutely love its title. Jason and I were honored to write the forward for it, and it is called Parent Differently. It's all about how do we parent our children in a culture that is shifting around us. It's like nothing we've ever seen in world history before. And, dr Kathy, welcome to the Expert Ownership Podcast. I'm so thankful to have you here instead of Jason, but I want you to talk about the byline, the tagline to the book, because it really I mean, it's what really drew Jason and me in.
Speaker 2:I appreciate that. David, thank you so much for having me on first of all, and I appreciate our friendship. Thanks for writing the forward. It meant the world to me that I could ask you and that you said yes. And the subtitle is important. It is raised kids with biblical character and it's not Christ like character. There's a reason for that Raise kids with biblical character. That changes culture.
Speaker 2:And it's not raise kids with biblical character who change culture. So I'm making a statement that it's our character that allows us to change culture, and that is what you and your mom and dad and your brother and your whole families have done. We got to raise kids who have biblical characters so that they can influence the messy, chaotic culture.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So you know, dr Kathy, I was just, you know, you and I. Before I started recording this, I was saying that it's our. You know, I'm a Gen Xer. It's our generation. We are the first generation in human history In the context of the biblical church. We are the first generation to have to disciple our children, when the world is discipling them at breakneck speed, so much faster than we do. It used to be a generation ago, or even two generations ago. It was hey, mom and dad, you know how does the earth orbit around the sun? Like hey, mom and dad, how does this work? Or that work? Now it's hey, google, hey, siri, right, I mean, it's just it's all over.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's so dangerous. Children can ask Siri what is a woman and Siri will tell them. I tell children all the time, and young adults why would you turn over authority to a liberally programmed computer who doesn't know you, love you, or know or love your God? And yet children need answers to questions and so if we're not available, they're going to go to the phone that we've allowed them to have in their pocket. If we have Christ like biblical character, as adults we're not going to want that for our kids. We don't want to have the boundaries that are blessings. That phrase I learned from you and your brother. Boundaries are blessings when love is the goal, powerful statement. Our kids need that. They need us to disciple them and to parent them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're growing up in a culture now, or we're raising our children in a culture now, where they say boundaries are hate, right, a moral boundary is hatred, a moral boundary is bigotry. How are we, how does the book describe these things? How help us through this? How do we navigate these conversations, dr Kathy?
Speaker 2:Well, carefully, and we earn the right to be heard by being present and by talking about unimportant things, by talking about the puppy they loved that was outside at the bus stop. So we just live life with them and then that gives us authority to speak about the bigger issues. And if we've been intentional in our observation hanging out with our kids, we know their gifts. I think one of the most important things we say is we are going to steward you for God's glory. God has chosen for you to be our child and you know, david, the God, ordains the family before he ordains the church. You are the perfectly imperfect parent for your perfectly imperfect kids and you're responsible and you're going to stand before the Lord one day and have an account for that. Did you parent, were you intentional? Did you teach, trained disciple or did you only live with? I want you guys to do it all Right. I want you to live life and I also want you to be the disciples or earn the right to do that.
Speaker 2:And I think what we have to do is we have to tell them that without biblical character you will not become who God intended you to be. In our ministry to celebrate kids that statement I just did. I've done college chapels, I've done young adults that really ministers to them, because I want young people to know that God is an intentional, good creator who made them on purpose, with purpose, for such a time as this. There are gifts within them Ephesians 2 10. And if we do not help you develop a leaning toward righteousness, a desire for being grateful, a wanting to be joyful, a desire to have self control, we don't pay you for that. You won't become who you were supposed to be and we all lose.
Speaker 1:Now what are some tips Like how do we parent our children that way? I've got five. Three are out of the house, one more is about to leave and I got one left. What are some ways that we can do this?
Speaker 2:I believe in prioritizing character over obedience. Children tell me that obedience is some it's rule following, and they don't always know what the rules are. And the rules change, so that's overwhelming and confusing. Kids have told me that they're obedient when someone is watching because they want to be, rewarded and they don't want to be punished. I think we have a tendency to prioritize obedience. Don't do that. Stop arguing. That's not where the dirty clothes go. We do a lot of telling of what's wrong rather than telling of what's right.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think we lose out when we don't talk about character, because character is what allows us again to to be right and do right Even when no one is looking, and all disobedience is rooted in unhealthy character. So you're actually Really making a difference when you talk about character, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, absolutely. What are some of the biggest hurdles that you're seeing parents deal with, or what? What does the book cover in terms of like, ok, yes, we do see the culture. We see how we have to raise our children here in this culture. What are some of the biggest hurdles?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the busyness of parents, the distraction of parents. I think, again, you've heard me already say be intentional, observe longer and hang out with your kids. We go to the man cave, we go to the Pinterest room if you will, and our kids are allowed in their room with devices and we're not living with in the living room. It is called a living room, as Kirk Cameron would say, and so let's live together. Iron sharpens iron when you're close enough to have the touch, if you will. So, I think, the distraction of the parents, the busyness of the parents. Too many parents are parenting from fear, which I understand, because people are messy, the culture is chaotic, and yet that would not be of the Lord. So if believers are listening to us, we need to leave that at the at the cross and ask God for the courageous, brave commitment that we can have to our kids.
Speaker 2:I think another barrier, david, is that parents would have to work on their own character. Right, like this book was hard to write because I realized I'm putting myself on display here, right, you know, if I talk about humility, then I better be exhibiting that when I'm out and about and people are. You know, they just met the author and now they're going to go read the book and I think, well, she's not humble, you know. So are we able to be Christlike and have biblical character? Are we willing to work on ourselves?
Speaker 1:You know it's interesting Proverbs 22,. Many people listening to expert ownership, our podcast, have heard us train up a child in the way she go. When he's old he will not depart from it. Solomon used the Hebrew word for train up to touch the pallet of or to cultivate the taste for it, so that that imagery of a midwife or a mom it's chewing up celery or carrot or some healthy food and then taking a morsel out and tipping it, putting on the tip of their finger and then touching the pallet and it engages in that infant, the salivary glands, as the pallet is touched and it creates an appetite or creates a craving for that type of food. And it's interesting the Lord puts it in scriptures like if you want to train up your kids, then you might want to be doing it yourself. Yes, that your life is going to create a desire. Put joy on display.
Speaker 2:Put resiliency on display. One of the best ways we teach character qualities is to talk about the consequences of both the good and the bad, if you will, character. So I know a true story of Dad went to work and he didn't have a good day. He comes home from work he says to the kids how was school? And then they say how was work? And he said I had a terrible day.
Speaker 2:Supervisor knocked on my door at three o'clock, realized as soon as he was there that I had forgotten to turn in the report at two that was due. I had to apologize all over myself. I felt embarrassed. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose an opportunity now to lead in another way. And, jacob, I'm going to have to miss your soccer game tonight. I have to stay home and work on the report. I am so sorry.
Speaker 2:I did what a lot of you kids do. I did what I wanted to do rather than what I was supposed to do, and I'm going to have to pay a price for that. So in my phone here I've made an alert at two o'clock on Monday for a 24-hour notification that the report is due and a one o'clock notification on Tuesday that I have an hour left, because I don't ever want to do that again. So if we talk about the consequences because kids need to know character is a choice rooted in a worldview which is why Christian worldview is so important and there are consequences that happen because of who we are and we shouldn't always protect our kids from that. We've got to help them know you did that. You gossip. That's why they're not talking with you a lot. You lied. Therefore, we're going to check up on you. We're not mean parents. We love you so much. We will do the hard work.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you know it's interesting as a parent of five when we do that, when we talk about the consequences. Like you gossiped. Therefore, they probably are creating some distance from you. That's probably why you can get invited over when they were having a sleepover with other friends. What the parents encounter at that point is you don't take my side, you're taking their side and we have to say no, I am your parent, no human. This is what I do. I'm a human on the planet other than your mother, and I love you as much as your mom and I Nobody, no one, sacrifices more than your mom and I do for you. So I want your best, but right now, you need to learn this lesson the hard way.
Speaker 1:Life is teaching you that you should not have gossiped, and I'm not on their side or your side. I'm on the side of pushing you toward your destiny, of who you were created to be, and I tend to think about, like when Jesus it says, who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross. And our kids have a cross to bear almost every day at some level, at some relationally, or with athletics, or with schoolwork or whatever. It may be chores or disobedience, but it's like we've got to set before them I love how you're saying it set before them who they were called to be the purposes of God in their lives and say, well, that your trajectory with that particular gossip does not align with that calling yes If they know they have a calling and they want to serve God first and foremost.
Speaker 2:And if they want to honor you, if they want to be a part of your family, they want to be known as David you know Benham's son then they're going to want to follow your lead in your direction and then they will want self-control, self-respect, respect for others and all the other qualities I talk about in the book. We have to give them a reason to want to be good, because the sin nature is powerful.
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness, absolutely. Give us a few of those qualities, some more of the qualities that you just listed out, so that we, as parents, know, and then maybe give us a couple of tips on how can we incorporate these into our kids, or at least into some of the conversations around the dinner table or at the living room.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd love to do that. So there's 48 qualities in an appendix in the book and then a baker says in 13, because I wanted to help people get a handle on where we could start. And David, number one is gratitude, or being grateful, and I chose it as number one because it's what's called a parent virtue. Grateful people are many other things. Grateful people are content, other centered, joyful, kind, et cetera. It also. I chose it also because the technology that is raising our children causes them to be entitled where they think they deserve everything right now the way they want it. They're even treating God like Amazon Prime, which is disrespectful.
Speaker 2:So we need to raise up grateful children and if you're a believer, come on. There's so much to be grateful for. I also chose it because it is a sign of spiritual maturity. If you are truly a Christ follower and you are truly aware of the goodness of God towards you and the sacrifice of Christ and the blessing of the Spirit, you'll be grateful and that's attractive to people who know Him and don't get know Him. Number two is joyful. It's a spouse or a sibling to gratitude. Grateful people are joyful and I chose joy partly because it is related to gratitude and it's in Jesus and we should model this. Why aren't unsaved people attracted to the church and the Christian people? Because we appear in their way, to be judgmental and critical and stand on each other.
Speaker 1:We're not joyful?
Speaker 2:No, we're not. And the other reason I chose joyful is that, as you know, technology is causing children to believe that happiness is their right Again. I can have what I want when I want it, and that is not a biblical concept and certainly not a priority that you should live your life for. Self-efficacy is number three, and that's a phrase people might not know. Self-efficacy simply means that I believe I can be effective.
Speaker 2:So if mom says load the dishwasher, but I've never been taught and the last time I did it I was yelled at because I put a glass in there that wasn't supposed to go in there, but I didn't know that. And I put a bowl that apparently blocked the water, but nobody taught me that and I didn't like the feeling. I was shamed when mommy opened the door and she said I'm not loading the dishwasher again. So that's a lack of self-efficacy. So when you ask someone to do something and they don't think they can do it, they argue, they whine, they debate, they run, they say it's Bethany's turn.
Speaker 2:But when you raise up a generation who knows they can be effective, not instead of you, but because of your guidance, your teaching, your wisdom, your mentoring, your companionship and life. Then they're going to be able to achieve so much more. So those three are huge. A self-respect, respect for others, self-control are the next three. And without self-respect you don't need any qualities. Without respect for others, you don't need any qualities. And without self-control, you can't use the qualities. So those three will also change the child's trajectory for life.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Now we're at.
Speaker 1:Oh, it makes a ton of sense and I can't wait to tell everybody what link to go to get your book. And I just thoroughly enjoyed when you first asked Jason and I to write the forward for it. I remember looking at it and I thought, wow, the title alone. It's like parent differently and it's almost like you know, I remember when I was a kid I would see those t-shirts where all the fish were going one way and then there was a big fish, like a different color, going the opposite way and that was like the Christian shirt. I love it and I didn't really catch what it meant until later on in life, especially after I get fired by HGTV and I'm like what the heck's wrong with me and Jason, like what did we do? It's like, well, you're completely going against the culture now and so raising my children the exact same way and trying to find like-minded believers around us that believe what we believe about technology or what we believe about character building and development or even sports and these other things. You know, I can just see how important this book is and I'm very thankful that you wrote it Now.
Speaker 1:Talk to the mom or the dad that's out there right now Our audience. We are entrepreneurs, we are high achieving working professionals. By God's amazing grace, we have thousands of listens per episode and so there's a lot. It's like a built. It's a growing army of expert owners that really they want to own every area of their life. So now we're talking about owning the responsibility as parents. What about the kids that aren't following the Lord, the kids that don't really value any of these character traits or even might even think if we sit down and we're like guys, we're going to talk about gratitude today at the table? It's like oh my gosh, it is on. The fight is on. Yeah, give us some help, Give us some help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're asking easy. Yeah, we're asking easy question. First of all, don't give up, and it really means that you have up on yourself, or God or the kids. Work to maintain or develop a relationship. Apologize when you need to ask to be forgiven. Forgiven, which way to make it? So many parents don't do, that's good.
Speaker 2:Again, make sure you're modeling what you can, that you apologize, that you know you're not perfect, and so admit that you actually have greater authority when you are vulnerable with your kids, they're not going to come to you and admit their mistakes if they feel you can't understand a person who makes mistakes.
Speaker 1:So you're perfect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's appropriate to say that you struggle to and then provide some advice. Age appropriately, of course. Teach the truth. Don't give out, teach. Don't get some young adults Tell me they talk and they tell me what to do. They yell when I don't do it. I wish they would teach me how. So, like gratitude, that's not a forced thank, you know to get another gift from grandma. Gratitude is a disposition of the heart, right. Gratitude is a perspective toward life that God has imparted to us. It's what allows us to prioritize the yes things.
Speaker 2:I would say so, I think we have teaching moments and, like you guys you, I so respect you, partly because of how often you use scripture so well. We need to use it without apology, and the proverbs are great. I want us to use Bible heroes like Mary, the mother of Jesus is my favorite example of humility.
Speaker 2:She could have gone out into the town square. I've been chosen, it's going to be me. I'm so sorry it's me. I'm going to get birthed a long way to save her. She would have been stoned and killed, so she didn't do that. Yeah, but you know she sings a song the mighty one has done great things for me. Holy is his name. She could have said I'm going to do great things for the holy one. The mighty one has done great things for me. Why are the men and women in the scripture? They're all there on purpose, to teach us something. I think kids may respond well to biblical heroes. Now, if they think the Bibles are relevant, then obviously don't go there. Then go to an inventor who tried 10,000 kinds of filament before he found one that worked in a light bulb. Talk about a baseball player Like I live where we won the World Series, the Texas Rangers. I live in Fort Worth.
Speaker 2:Texas yeah come up and a 300 betting averages is considered excellent. That means seven times they don't make it to first base.
Speaker 2:That's right, and yet we celebrate them, and so we have to make sure kids know that life isn't always fear. It's not always easy. In fact, the theology of suffering is one of the most important things to teach your kids. The Valley experience is real. We grow up there. That's where we grow up. The scripture says that our character and our faith matures when we walk through hard times. We have a problem in our country, david, where way too many parents are rescuing their children too soon.
Speaker 2:Everyone will book on that, the resilient kids book. You've got to let them struggle a bit so that they can develop that fortitude that you guys teach about, a confidence in their creator to walk with them, a confidence in a business owner, a colleague, an appearance who's going to walk out that journey with them. So we can't be weak, we got to be strong.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, we got to talk about consequences.
Speaker 2:We've got to teach we can use Bible heroes. And one more idea is, before I kick it back to you, david, and I know you asked specifically about maybe you know the kid who's walked away. Walk toward them. What do they like? What brings them joy? Which aside? Sacrifice yourself right now. This isn't about you. If your kid likes music, ask why they like that kind of music. Be willing to give them a gift that is music, even though you might not even appreciate it. Now you don't have to give them, you know, anti-god things.
Speaker 1:That's not what I'm saying but you know Taylor Swift nonsense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, ps Swiftie. Oh, my goodness, I looked. Oh, I could rabble trade off for a minute, but no, so walk toward them.
Speaker 2:Delight in who they are call out of them their best, remind them of their childhood and stand in that space. And one more last comment, and that would be work on virtues and values together as a family. Your whole family might need to work on jealousy. Your whole family could work on being competitive. Your whole family might lack kindness or self-control or respect for others or generosity. So what if the family worked on it? And now you're not pointing out the one kid who's never a generous, you're deciding it's a whole family to work on a spiritual generosity with time, talent, money and resources, and they won't be picked on. And then we grow, and we grow together, and I think there's beauty in that.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that. Those are some fantastic things. And you know, one of the things that I've done with my kids well, my oldest too, and not everybody can do this, but I, literally I'm like you know what, you guys, you need a trip to Honduras, you need a trip to the Philippines Like, and I, straight up, I arranged it, I went with them, I took them to the jungle, like I just partnered with them in history. I'm like I need to get them out of America and let them see what it's like and it changed. I, as a matter of fact, I sent my boy for a month because I had a missionary friend that I know and love and respect in Southeast Asia and I was like, dude, I want him to experience the jungle. And my boy came back totally different.
Speaker 2:I was like you like that bed.
Speaker 1:You like that bed, don't you? How about that refrigerator that you're opening up?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's so good. I'm talking a lot of my books about service and getting your eyes off yourself and becoming grateful for, you know, the one burger when you wanted to, when you've discovered how many kids don't get a burger at all, so it's totally wise.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's amazing, dr Kathy, where can people get your book?
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. Our website is celebratekidscom and you can find my podcast there and, of course, all the books and other resources. We are also on Facebook at Celebrate Kids Inc. And then, of course, you can also buy the book wherever you buy your books online.
Speaker 1:Oh, of course, you had to throw our books in there as well, but we wrote the forward to this. So everybody grab this book. Listen. This is life changing. It will greatly help you.
Speaker 1:One of the things I love about the way you write, dr Kathy, is it's not just giving us a bunch of thoughts, but you give us practical tools. You really help us think through, and it is 100% biblical through and through, and it is tied to scripture, and that's really where Jason and I, that's where we wanna be, because the grass withers and the flower fades or is it the flower withers and the grass fades? Whichever one, but the word of God stands forever. I'm just so thankful that you did this, dr Kathy. Any final parting words before we wrap this podcast about the culture in our children and like how about parents maybe encourage a mom and a dad that they got this, like your kids were given to you for this home? It's not an accident. Even if they're straying right now, even if you feel like you're insecure about it or you may feel like you're an imposter, you're not. You're their parent.
Speaker 2:Absolutely believe in that and if you're really negative, ask yourself why. Who are you listening to and who are you following? Because we do become like the people we hang out with. And so if you're in a depressed state and you're discouraged about a child, adult or younger, ask yourself what are you reading, who are you listening to, who are you following? And I would encourage you to do a U-turn and join a Bible study and hang out with the right talk radio podcast shows, read the right books, because it's really easy to be discouraged today, because life isn't easy and there are a lot of sad stories out there, but there's a lot of victorious things going on and we can pay attention to that so that we're uplifted.
Speaker 1:I love that. All right, celebratekidscom. You can find out all about Dr Kathy there and also follow the podcast. What are you covering on your next podcast or what have you recently covered? That's exciting.
Speaker 2:Well, we have one podcast is a daily 12-minute in the morning every weekday. It's called Facing the Dark. So we talk about a cultural issue from a Celebrate Kids perspective. So we look at national news, local stuff, who's facing the dark and what are they doing about it, and we want to give people hope. So that's good. And then my Saturday podcast is called Dr Kathy Says, because everyone who hears me speak they go home and they say now Dr Kathy Says you know, do it this way.
Speaker 1:Yes, I do that.
Speaker 2:So you guys even do that, which is so kind, and we are right now, as of the date of this recording, doing a four-part series on blended families, because I want people who are intact families to understand the pain of the step family and I want people in a step family situation to have hope for how they can overcome real grief and real trauma and real challenges. So I brought the smart step mom, laura Petherbridge, onto the show with me. That's Dr Kathy Says on Saturdays. The other one is Facing the Dark and you can find all of that at the Celebrate Kids with Dr Kathy Podcast channel and thank you for allowing me to promote all of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, it definitely helps, and if we're going to be expert owners, we want to own every single area of our life, especially our role as parents.
Speaker 2:Love it.
Speaker 1:So thank you, Dr Kathy. God bless you.
Speaker 2:Thank you very much.