Expert Ownership Podcast

Navigating Marriage, Parenting, and Business

October 11, 2023 Benham Brothers
Expert Ownership Podcast
Navigating Marriage, Parenting, and Business
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Ever wondered how to juggle marriage, children, and a business without losing your sanity? Well, we've got a treat for you! Listen in as the Benham brothers and their wives share how they've managed to steer their marital ship through the changing tides of life and business. They talk about their strategies for keeping the flame alive during challenging times. They emphasize the importance of having a vision, leaning on faith, and realizing that difficult times are temporary. This insightful segment also explores the unique joys that come with having older children and how this has ushered in a delightful season in their marriage.

But, the glue that holds this all together is parenting. Dive into the practical methods of how to stay intimately connected with your kids and foster an environment of love and fun at home. The cherry on top? An enlightening discussion on the significance of a thriving spousal relationship as a beacon for children, topped off with valuable tips to keep this connection pulsating with life. This episode is more than just a discussion; it's a treasure chest filled with timeless gems that we believe will enrich your odyssey in marriage and business. Join us and embark on this enlightening voyage together!

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to the Expert Ownership podcast. I'm David. I've got my twin brother, jason, and his bride across the table from us Don't say anything, jason and I have my beautiful wife, lori, here with me as well. Lori, you want to say?

Speaker 2:

hi.

Speaker 1:

Hey everybody. That was a perfect hey, okay. So here's what Jason and I did Jason and Tori on their podcast, a Beauty in Battle, which is an amazing podcast where they interview couples. They talk about marriage and life and how to actually not stand face to face and fight each other, but shoulder to shoulder fighting the true enemy, which is the devil, the enemy of our souls and the hater of our marriages.

Speaker 1:

So Jason and Tori asked Lori and me to be on their podcast, and so what we're going to do for today's Expert Ownership podcast is merge in and bring that podcast over, because there are many of you if not most, or almost all of you at least that have reached out to us, are married or planning on getting married and you're in business. You either own the business or you're working in a business or want to start a side hustle and you're like, okay, well, how do I do that with my marriage? Well, we cover a whole bunch of that. So, lori, we're merging in with Beauty in Battle right now. Here we go, can't wait, so we've got a fun episode today.

Speaker 1:

I'm excited and I want to welcome those in our Expert Ownership Faithfield Entrepreneur community that we are porting over today to the Beauty in Battle podcast because we have my twin brother, david, and his wife, lori, on the podcast. You know, it's funny because Tori and I were walking around the block the other day and I said no, no, you did, tori. You're like why haven't we had David and Lori on the podcast yet? I'm like I didn't even think about it.

Speaker 3:

We had just had Beth, scott and Beth who celebrated their 35th anniversary. You guys were on your 25th anniversary. Yes, we need to have David and Lori when they get back. We're so excited, so fun.

Speaker 1:

Even though David really probably won't have anything worth saying. No, lori this is all on you today. I can tell you why you haven't had us on because people you don't want people to know. I'm smarter than you, are Better at marriage yeah, better at marriage.

Speaker 3:

So.

Speaker 1:

David and Lori just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary and they went to London and Wales.

Speaker 2:

Where was it? Bath, wales, cotswolds. It was amazing, so fun and they've got five kids.

Speaker 1:

They all love Jesus. David and I obviously have had businesses together. David and Lori also have an investment business together. Lori, you also do some other stuff with teaching and tutoring and all that. So we have had. You know, we're entrepreneurs and we've been real busy, but at the same time they have a great relationship where they've fallen more in love. They understand each other better now than they did and if you had to marry each other again, would you?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, you would.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I'm so glad you answered that so fast.

Speaker 3:

So then we're gonna Of course I would.

Speaker 1:

I'd be an idiot. Then we're gonna ask some good questions. Tori's gonna rock those out as to how in the world you just said yes to that. Okay, Now, before we do, we always have a. I got a special treat for you guys because we always have a special song, and so what?

Speaker 3:

I did you have to?

Speaker 1:

guess it no.

Speaker 3:

You'll know it immediately.

Speaker 1:

But I played. This is a song that you guys are gonna love, because David and Lori danced to this at their wedding I thought that was the one 25 years ago.

Speaker 3:

I was wondering if you were gonna play that one.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, here's the best part of the song.

Speaker 2:

That was the one. I can still see us dancing to it.

Speaker 3:

Aww, I can too.

Speaker 1:

Just a little bit more. This is the best part of the song.

Speaker 2:

It is, I love it.

Speaker 1:

They don't make songs like this anymore.

Speaker 2:

No, they don't. Our kids love that song too.

Speaker 3:

I love it.

Speaker 1:

Just a little bit more. My dreams came true.

Speaker 2:

David, you belt this part out.

Speaker 1:

I know I'm holding myself back from singing.

Speaker 3:

And crying.

Speaker 1:

Thank me later. Alright, here we go.

Speaker 2:

I love that that was great, that brought a tear to my eye. Good feelings.

Speaker 1:

So well, here's listen.

Speaker 2:

Let me, I'm taking hold on it's.

Speaker 1:

Janiah Twain and Brian White yeah, from this moment. So everybody who's listening, I know that you're gonna want to know what song that is, and I love when we play those songs, because some of you reach out and you're like I never heard that song before, I'm gonna play it, and you all end up so dance with each other too. Yeah, you need to dance to that, and once the song hit, that's when you and I started spinning.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

We had already.

Speaker 1:

We didn't really even practice, because we danced all the time when we were engaged. We needed practice. Okay, so this is what people don't know. Now I'm taking over the pockets.

Speaker 2:

This is why.

Speaker 3:

I'm always so quiet.

Speaker 1:

This is why people what people don't know. At our wedding that was when Jason had there was a girl that was so forward that actually bought a ticket to come to my wedding and Jason called and said no, you cannot come to my brother's wedding.

Speaker 2:

They're so good. I worked out. This was crazy.

Speaker 1:

From Dallas and then because Jason had already known that a young Tory was gonna be at the wedding. So here we're dancing at the wedding and Jason and Tory often the corner. Things are budding and sparkling for Jason and Tory, so he used my wedding. We paid, like what? 10 grand for that DJ and food. So, Jason, you owe me some cash. We brokered the deal. I was brokering the deal for Jason and Tory at our wedding.

Speaker 1:

So, let me now I have to take 60 seconds to explain what that is, because I had been talking to a girl when I was at Liberty and this is before. I was talking to Tory and this girl I mean, I knew she was not marriage material and the next thing I know I had told her about David and Laurie's wedding. And here I was, I just graduated college, david graduated college and we're in Pro Ball, and I told her about the wedding. She goes and buys herself a ticket and says she's gonna come see me at the wedding and I'm like you have got to be kidding me. So anyway, long story short, I had to say no to that and it was at their wedding that Tory and I began our relationship.

Speaker 2:

Yep, that's great. It worked out great, so fun to be a part of that. It's a good way to start a wedding.

Speaker 3:

It was so jealous watching just jealous watching his twin brother.

Speaker 1:

Tory was bride around the dance floor. Tory we had a little dance. That wedding, didn't we?

Speaker 3:

We did, yeah, we did.

Speaker 1:

Okay, hey, we want to. Let's just jump right in.

Speaker 3:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

Because obviously you guys have been married 25 years. Your kids love Jesus. You still love each other. You'd say yes again. So we want to jump right in and get to some of what makes you guys you.

Speaker 3:

Yes, Okay. So I'm going to start with this question. If you guys could go back to the night before your wedding and give yourself one piece of advice, what would that be?

Speaker 1:

Oh boy.

Speaker 3:

Don't worry, you answer first. Don't do it on a beach.

Speaker 2:

Watch out yeah.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so Lori says watch out.

Speaker 2:

No, I know, I mean partly yes.

Speaker 1:

You're in for it? No.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I was thinking about this one and I was thinking I wish someone told me that marriage and life really is so full of different seasons.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's good.

Speaker 2:

I feel like a lot of people say marriage is a lot of up and downs and there's a lot of things that happen that you know. They'll be good, they'll be bad, they'll be up, they'll be downs, and it kind of gives the impression that they'll be like short lived or they'll be quick things that will come up and they'll be resolved pretty quickly and you'll be good again. Yeah, but everybody knows that's been married long enough at all, knows that marriage really does have seasons, and seasons last a while, right, and some are really good and they're so bring so much joy and growth and maturity, and then others are really difficult and you really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and you're going to all inevitably go through that.

Speaker 2:

And marriage and I just it would have been so good. I don't know that I would have heard it. Yeah, because you're new. Get married, just you're kind of just excited about everything, but just a realistic, but you know life giving view that seasons will happen and they're all so different.

Speaker 2:

But see it through like just going because it's so worth it and and once you've been married like we are 25 years now it is better than ever. I feel like every season that we grew and we had life giving things and it was hard yeah, once you can weather those things together, you get through. On the other side, you're so much stronger.

Speaker 1:

So I got to piggyback. I want to piggyback that real quick, okay. So what? What was your hardest season and what is your best season?

Speaker 2:

Okay, for sure, our hardest was a make sure of our first year and like seven to 10, like summer, or even five to 10. Those were kind of hard years, like child rearing years. Those were very demanding and I was trying to figure it out as a mom and then try to be a good wife and we are learning each other.

Speaker 3:

That was exactly.

Speaker 2:

And that's the other thing is, every season is a different version of you that comes out, that you're figuring out and your husband's, you know, figuring out. So I would say one, five, seven, probably run there with the hardest.

Speaker 1:

And if somebody is married right now, seven years, they're experiencing that hardship. What?

Speaker 2:

do you say to that?

Speaker 1:

mom, that wife.

Speaker 2:

I would say that you, your mindset, honestly, is everything. Your end goal is we are in this for life. How can we lean into the Lord when it looks awful and messy? How can we in our mind and our mindset be? We will pull through in the Lord, we will get help, we will reach out to others and we will just dig in with the Lord, like it's messy.

Speaker 3:

It's just hard Keeping that vision in front of you of what you want.

Speaker 2:

Yes, keeping the vision in front of you and, honestly, just knowing that this doesn't last forever, so good.

Speaker 1:

Now, what's your best?

Speaker 2:

season, Definitely the last, I would say 10 years has been an absolute best. I mean, I feel like David and I have grown in levels that are deeper than I could have ever imagined. He's my very best friend. He's my confidant. He's we're like best friends, but lovers like we're everything that you could imagine. Marriage could be, yeah, but in the last 10 years I feel like we've really seen it. It's been so good.

Speaker 1:

I think it's the three things about this season because Tori and I would say this is our best season too, the three things. First older kids.

Speaker 3:

Yes To me are easier than younger kids.

Speaker 1:

Discretionary time and discretionary income. It's so true, you know three things say I like this season better.

Speaker 2:

Well, you know, it's interesting.

Speaker 1:

It's interesting, though, in terms of those seasons for Lori it was probably easier to connect with the kids at younger. She's connecting with them now amazingly, but I'm way better.

Speaker 2:

Yes For older kids.

Speaker 1:

He is I wasn't useless. I was a very nice tool in her toolbox, right For the young ones. Yeah, but I mean that's her sweet spot.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So the difficult time seven to 10, our hardest time was we had a six year old, a four year old, a two year old in a newborn and she had postpartum depression and she didn't.

Speaker 1:

We didn't have family around that was helping, and so it was really hard and she had a very difficult births. So it was, it was just hard, and so she was homeschooling our six and our four and putting all the pressure of like I have to train my kids and she's also nursing a child. We had a two year old running around.

Speaker 3:

Well.

Speaker 1:

David and I were off out, who knows where we're building the business.

Speaker 1:

Utah, building a company yeah, eating in five star steakhouses, all this other stuff. We were building the company and so it was just very hard and I wasn't I wasn't as sensitive, I was very much like you know, I'm a provider and and I'm a protector and I'm really good at it and I'm a hard worker, you know, and I'm faithful on the road. And when I come home, you know, and I didn't, I wasn't demanding, but in my mind I had this expectation that you know, she was still going to like, want to pursue me physically. Physical touch is my love language. So I loop it all back to the first question. What would you say to yourself the night before you got married? And I would I don't know how to boil this down into um, I would say it's not all about you.

Speaker 3:

Like you know and and honestly, like you know, I, I, I.

Speaker 1:

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I honestly like I'm pledging my life to her and I, my, I have a resolute mindset that we're in this for life and I think I'm covenanting with my wife and going to serve and sacrifice for her. But truly, I was a self-absorbed, selfish, self centered, if there's any other word to have self in it. That was me, honestly. And so she simply learned when she got married what I knew all along.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that was the oh no part.

Speaker 1:

But honestly, what would I say to myself the night before I got married? Well, it would be what I really would say the night before I got married would be too late. I wish it was years or even months before I got married. You need to be plugging into. I wish we had podcasts, because back in the day we didn't have podcasts. We didn't have, I mean, we had books.

Speaker 1:

But I wouldn't read or I would listen to podcasts like this and this isn't some shameless plug for your podcast, but we didn't have any of that.

Speaker 1:

I wasn't hearing like mentors saying hey, sir, you need to get over yourself, serve your wife. Oh, and, by the way, if you're not intimate for a week, it's okay, because there's probably a lock going on in her life. I did not hear that. I had to experience that. And then, through that, all of a sudden, I start feeling rejection. So even the night before our marriage, I wish someone would have come up to me and said hey, listen, don't force the intimacy, just chill. She's got so much on her mind she's leaving home for the first time ever.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she's detaching from her mother and father, which has a soul connection. She has all of her friends around her. This is the night of her life. Just enjoy it.

Speaker 3:

Count the checks. Yeah right, count the money. You know what I'm saying, and it's not like we forced anything.

Speaker 1:

It was really bad, but you know not to go any further than that, but still it was like in my mind, you think, at least as a young man I didn't have any. I thought like, okay, you're on a honeymoon and that just means endless intimacy and really it's all about the guy.

Speaker 3:

Right, right, and it's just stupid.

Speaker 1:

And now, all of a sudden, Lori and I are talking and she's tearing up and I'm like I feel rejected and she just wanted to talk and walk on the beach. I'm like, why would we do that? And we've got all this time.

Speaker 3:

Look at this.

Speaker 1:

And have you seen my abs?

Speaker 3:

They look really good right now Well but anyway.

Speaker 1:

So. But as we, as we, I wish someone would have not only said you know it's not all about you, but said you need counseling, you need to. You guys need to learn from the older couples that have gone before you and just learn and listen. What do you say to? And before we get to Tori's second question that she wants to ask you guys, so I want to ask you something and you something real quick. What do you say to the entrepreneur guy out there who was where you were eight years into marriage? Lori's at home and he's off charging out and conquering the world. What do you say to him? And then Lori, what do you say to the mom who is experiencing postpartum?

Speaker 3:

So first day yes.

Speaker 1:

First of all, she is a gift. There are two things that God gives men that are gifts in scripture and I asked Bailey, my oldest boy, this years ago. I said they both start. The answer starts with a W for both words, and he said wealth and women. And I said no, you idiot. A wife and work, those are two things that are a gift from God, and so reframing your mind this is a gift that God gave me and she's worth it and, just like during the seven to 10 years, is your role is to nourish her and to bless her, and she's not there to just support you, right? Like? Don't raise the level of your business or your job or all the stuff you do at your church over that of what your wife is doing. Actually, put her above all that other stuff.

Speaker 1:

And that has greatly helped because I mean, like you say, god's not just your father, he's your father-in-law, he wants you to treat his daughter not just with your actions, but also in your heart. No, contempt, don't be contemptuous. Like I remember in a very subtle way, I was a guy that would always I make my bed, I, my shoes are always in order. I get married, lori doesn't make the bed and her shoes aren't in order, and I remember something that stupid and simple, but I used to have contempt for that as if I'm better.

Speaker 2:

Which is stupid, like she needs to do that.

Speaker 1:

Right, but then list the ways if you're seven to 10 years, list the ways she's better than you, and the list will go on and on and on and start thinking about that and then thanking God for it and then pray. How can I support her in these ways? Because she's carrying way more emotional weight than you ever could imagine carrying. She just has the ability to do that. God gives it to her.

Speaker 3:

So, anyway, that's, that's what I would, and you guys got pregnant, like us, right from the jump. Like you, you were pregnant right away. Yes so that brings a whole nother dynamic to the relationship.

Speaker 2:

What do you say? You're not just thinking about you. You're thinking about your baby. I know You're sick. I know that's all the things I felt. I feel like you can say a lot to moms during that stage, but to actually carry even yourself through it is so difficult, like it's hard even to like get into the word Like.

Speaker 2:

You don't even have time to go to the bathroom by yourself, so it's hard to think of what I would have done differently. I think more my message would be to anybody surrounding young moms, Because I'm I'm talking with some moms now and and I'll give them advice that I wish I had, but they they're like, but how do I do that? You know what I mean. Like is the reality that I can actually do that, and so I started thinking yesterday well, that's why she's reaching out Like we young moms need mentoring and people just loving them.

Speaker 2:

So my message would be more for, like you know, friends, mothers, more mother-in-laws, like mothers and aunts or uncles, or just older women in the church, because other moms are going through the same thing as you Like, do you see a mom that has four kids that are just going crazy?

Speaker 2:

Like send them a text and encourage them, ask them if they can go for a walk, and they can just build the beans Like what's going on Like, I think, that old way of older women teaching the younger women, just what the word says is that's missing now is why it is so hard. We do not have community because you're by yourself in a room with your kids. I don't want anyone to see me like that.

Speaker 2:

I was like a shell of myself. David was at work and I don't think I I didn't reach out for help. I didn't think anybody would understand, really, yeah, exactly what I thought. I was like the crazy town going in my head, so I would I think it's more for people around you Like how can you help them?

Speaker 1:

One of the things Lori is doing that she would not say on the podcast, but I'm watching it, is she's reaching out to these young moms and they're pulling up, they're coming, they're going for walks, and so Lori has got several. I mean on this huge, just a little. I don't want to call it a text thread but she's got lots of moms on various texts and she's like come over. So I'll come home and I'll see a random car in the driveway and there's Lori with another mom walking around and that mile that mile loop in our neighborhood is the hardest mile there is.

Speaker 2:

It is really hard, you're sweating.

Speaker 1:

It's really good so.

Speaker 3:

Lori's becoming what she always wanted.

Speaker 2:

Yes, that's amazing, I think that's so powerful.

Speaker 3:

I love that so much and to put some context around what you know, we're talking about that stage of life where David and Jason are traveling and we've got nine kids between us.

Speaker 2:

Oh yes, it's a baseball team. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And you know the guys are telling us all this amazing delicious steak meals that they're eating. Lori and I found ourselves at Chick-fil-A so many nights, probably four out of the five.

Speaker 2:

Our kids lived in that playground.

Speaker 1:

They called. The Chick-fil-A owner actually said they had a name for us.

Speaker 3:

That's where I was going. That's right, they had a name for us, which is hysterical. Every time we show up at Chick-fil-A, there was a code name for our nine kids. We still don't know what the code name is.

Speaker 1:

I thought it was the tornado, the Benham tornado. The Benham tornado, he would say the Benham tornado was here.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I believe it, we were, and we left we left Bailey at Chick-fil-A.

Speaker 1:

We got a call two hours after we left Chick-fil-A We've done a lot of things From the owner, Roland, and he said hey, you know, your boy is here. I'm like what he goes, he's safe, he's okay, he's on his second ice cream.

Speaker 2:

Well, I have to clarify, he was with me.

Speaker 3:

Yes, I mean we were actually my fault.

Speaker 2:

No, we were dividing up. Of course we thought you had him. Yeah, we thought we had him.

Speaker 1:

He's still got a nervous twitch.

Speaker 2:

Bailey's forgiven us. Bailey has a special place in the heart of Chick-fil-A. They took good care of him.

Speaker 3:

They did. He ate a lot that day. Okay, so we're going to move on to the next question. What are some of your best marriage practices? Things that you intentionally do on a regular basis that strengthen your relationship?

Speaker 2:

Well, unanimously, we would both say taking walks together.

Speaker 2:

We're in a stage where we can do that and it's our decompressed time. It's time where we can just pray for the kids, pray for each other. Sometimes we just don't bring our phones at all. We try not to. That's the goal. But yeah, right, I feel like moving and walking and talking brings about so many good conversations. I feel so much better when we get back. I feel like we've connected and, yeah, I just feel like it's one of our best practices, other than, I would say, holding hands a lot too. Yeah, we hold hands a lot.

Speaker 1:

We pray together. I would say during the seven to 10 years the Lord did a work in my heart right at about 10. So at 10 years of marriage we had a 10-year-old because we got pregnant three months in. So I think we had a nine-year-old. It was nine, seven, five, three pregnant with number four or pregnant with number five.

Speaker 1:

So I knew I was like I really want to step up and I wanted to systematize something. So we got a Lisa Volk which was Scott and Beth Folk's daughter. I basically put her on retainer. I said every Friday night like clockwork and it was her and a couple other girls, but I would say Lori all I knew as a husband and a father. I wanted to give Lori a light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaker 1:

So every Friday at 4.30, they come over so that Lori can detach from the kids and she can prepare dinner or whatever if she threw something frozen in the microwave, whatever, but then Lori can detach, take a nice long shower. I come home at 5.30,. I take her out on a date, but then Alyssa or the babysitter would know, or Sarah Coleman or Sarah, I love Sarah and I love Alyssa, but anyway, so they would.

Speaker 1:

then the goal was and I would tell them I'm gonna pay you extra. I want you to not only feed the kids, do the Bible study with them, bathe them, put them in bed and after they get to bed, do a load of laundry and clean the kitchen, vacuum the living room. Like Lori knew that by the time at 4.30, when the babysitter came, she's in the shower and just relaxing and she's there in the hands of really good, wonderful young girls.

Speaker 3:

We just love them.

Speaker 1:

And then she knew that she would not have to see the kids until the next morning at 7 am when they woke up. So that was perfect because we would come home.

Speaker 2:

Or I could see them sleeping. That's the best You're like. I do love them.

Speaker 3:

I love you so much.

Speaker 1:

I'm so sorry, but it was perfect because everything was done, and we did that for 10 years. I mean, that was just as consistent as anything and that helped us. Do you know how few couples, though, don't have consistent date night?

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

And that's because they just put it off. That's danger but you have weekly. You realize how amazing it is for a woman to have that hope in front of you Like it is really tough, but Friday's coming, yes, that's right, that's exactly right.

Speaker 1:

And making it big, and especially as we talk to entrepreneurs all the time that use your money. Like don't think oh man, that's gonna cost me a lot. That's gonna cost me 200 bucks for the night. You know 300 bucks for the night. If I do a date night, who the heck cares? Spend the money. You need it. You need it for your sanity.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely. It's worth every penny. It is.

Speaker 1:

Difference between being cheap and frugal. Cheap means you're cutting costs at someone else's expense. Frugal means you're cutting costs at your own expense. So, men, be frugal with yourself, like, cut costs at your own expense. If you have to cut a couple of days of golf, cut it and pour that money into your spouse and lavish her on that date. Let her order anything she wants and then take her and maybe even buy her something at the mall.

Speaker 1:

David and I learned that it was probably what four or five years into our business, we were crushing it, by God's grace, and we were always taking clients out to these big five star steakhouses and then we'd go home, we'd have date night and we'd go to Panera Bread, you know. And then David and I literally were on the plane and I was like I don't know if this makes sense, like we're spending all this money on these people who can make us money but not our wives. And so we changed it we legit changed it, and I remember the first time Tori and I went for a steak. It was at a place called Toast in Davidson and this is before it became the famous toastery and so they were open for dinner and I bought a $40 steak or something, and she got like shrimp and grits.

Speaker 3:

Oh, you got chicken pup pie, but it was $75. It's a classic, so good. Now, this is 20 years ago, so I need it. It was $75.

Speaker 1:

And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I just spent $75 on my date night, which today would be about 150 bucks.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

But it felt really good as we were walking out of there it does, and Tori rewarded me handsomely.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

That's a good job, Tori. Now we get down to the bottom of the real motivation. But listen, those Friday nights always turn into something amazing and it really does help your intimacy. It helps everything. You gotta set the stage.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I agree, I love that. Okay, david, this question is for you. What are some of Lori's strengths that have helped build the marriage you have today?

Speaker 1:

You know it's funny. I was thinking about this. I woke up this morning and Lori had the questions and she was looking at it and she asked me that question and I'll say exactly what I said to her. I can't just list one, cause she's got so many and I don't mean that, but she's got so many strengths. I try to think about like, well, what were my strengths? I can't really list many, but when I think about her strengths I would say she in college. I knew she really liked me, like that, and that felt amazing.

Speaker 1:

But when you get married and all of a sudden you start having kids, you know, don't ask your wife if I'm on a trip with the oldest boys or if I'm on a trip with one of my kids. Which one would you list, miss Moore? Me or the kid? She's like you don't want me to answer that. That's really funny, but it's true because I mean I think she spoiled me early, that I was just for four years at Liberty. I mean she was just. She called me Ben and boy. She was just crazy for me and I knew it and it made me feel like I was always plugged into the charging block right.

Speaker 1:

Then you get married and I'm like, hey, you got time for me tonight. Maybe all I need is five minutes. She's like I'm exhausted and I'm like crap. I started feeling like garbage and it wasn't her, it was me not realizing. Man, we've got kids and there's just so much going on, and can I pause one second?

Speaker 1:

for that, Because David and I kind of both face the same thing, but as entrepreneurs, and this is why we wanted to bring the expert ownership community into this podcast. One of the issues for me and David is that we had too much intensity when we came home, that same intensity that we had at the office and crushing it in business. Then we'd come home and if things didn't look like they were being crushed in terms of where the kids are and all that kind of stuff we would like bulldoze and it can shut your wife off big time. So you got it. You got to leave that at the office we kept our office immaculate.

Speaker 1:

I mean everything.

Speaker 2:

We just that Jason and I are very OCD in that regard, I'd be seeing his car coming in and I'd be like you could feel your heart rate is going up.

Speaker 1:

See, now everybody hates me and Jason now. Thanks for saying that, baby.

Speaker 2:

Oh honey, that was during the bad times. Dive, dive, dive. Yeah, we're a trustee.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, we're definitely different men now, but anyway. So, lori, would I look back now? I didn't know it then, but I look back now and just her strength of she truly prioritized me. She truly, like, held the entire family to get emotionally with the kids and loved me in a far deeper way than I, than I. She ever loved me during the four years when I always felt it and saw it.

Speaker 3:

Does that make sense?

Speaker 1:

So I don't really know how to say. She just got like such deep roots in my soul to where I look back now and I'm like I'm her guy.

Speaker 3:

Like.

Speaker 1:

I'm her number one. I know it, I feel it, I sense it, but I still. I mean, we have a lot of conversations about this in full transparency. I many times feel insecure about that and I will have to like if I reach over and hold her hand or and she's like, literally in the middle of making dinner, or something I'm like, trying for five seconds.

Speaker 2:

I'm like all right.

Speaker 1:

I really need this right now, so I'm gonna do this, but I'm like focused on everything I have to do. It's funny. Now I'll come up and I'll give her a big hug, and she's literally in the middle of something so important.

Speaker 2:

But I've learned to like stop, Stop, embrace little squeeze.

Speaker 1:

All right, he's gone On that note, and what we tell wives all the time is that your husband is still a boy like a Labrador puppy that needs to be tickled.

Speaker 3:

When he jumps into your lap like he'll never get over that.

Speaker 1:

But at the same time. Sometimes he doesn't pick the best times because he's still a boy. Like what would you want in that moment for your daughter-in-law to do to your son?

Speaker 2:

I never thought about that a lot. That's good, so anyway, sorry.

Speaker 1:

So anyway, that's, it is like she she really I know her, I know her.

Speaker 3:

You're just very secure in her love. Exactly.

Speaker 1:

That's it, that's all that to say one.

Speaker 3:

Good job Tori. Good job Tori. Tori's like you could have saved us all that nonsense.

Speaker 1:

I know you love to hear yourself talk.

Speaker 3:

I love it. That's really good. Okay, Lori, I'm gonna ask you the same question what? Are some of David's strengths that you believe contribute most to the marriage you have today.

Speaker 2:

Yes, okay, so he has a ton, and the ones that came to my head right away are that he can be very vulnerable, which I think is really hard for a husband to do, but we have had so many late night talks that are amazing, like he's really good communicator and so that really works to his advantage, because sometimes you just have to talk for a really long time about things and you're going roundabout, but he's not afraid to be super vulnerable, to apologize, to say okay, well, I'm not understanding this, well, you know what does that mean. And those conversations have arrived at so much like a deeper level of intimacy for us that I've been so appreciative of because he can get there, which I think is really hard, that is yeah.

Speaker 2:

And I think husbands learn how to do that and some kind of naturally are more like that when they get married. But for David, I've just seen him really hone in that skill of like okay, I'm gonna be vulnerable, I'm just gonna communicate all that. I'm feeling late on the table and honestly I would rather him even if it's not good news or things that are hard I'd rather hear it than him hide it.

Speaker 2:

So, I'm so thankful that he's vulnerable and honest and then he's just a super disciplined guy. He's always been disciplined, Like I watched Chase put his shoes in his basketball bag like perfectly with like the two toes going in first and then the socks going in perfectly.

Speaker 1:

Chase has got it.

Speaker 2:

And I'm like I'm watching David this is crazy.

Speaker 1:

I didn't teach him that.

Speaker 2:

No, he just that's, just who he is, and I feel like that has rolled over into marriage in so many beneficial good ways, because he's discipline is one of the roots of the spirit and it helps him in so many areas. Like he's disciplined in his mind and his heart to stay pure, to come home and when he's tired he pushes himself to still be involved and be all there. He is disciplined in his work to provide for his family. He's disciplined in reading the word and leading our family. Like it is irreplaceable. Like the discipline that he has has brought life and stability and roots and grounding to our family.

Speaker 1:

I love that, so I'm thankful. Can I say something about discipline real quick? Because you know, as men, especially when we get out there and we want to accomplish and we want to operate in that kingly role, discipline, we got to remember discipline's goal is delight. That sometimes, when you're experiencing delight, then call off the discipline and just be present in the moment of delight. Right, that's what you want. So and I say that because, being entrepreneurs, we just constantly like, push towards discipline. We push towards discipline, but the goal is to get to a point where we can experience delight. So when you're disciplined in a guy like Chase you know he's disciplined in basketball and he's out shooting five 600 shots as a 13 year old that discipline has a goal. That goal is to experience delight on the basketball court one day when he's playing at the high level D1.

Speaker 1:

at that moment, you just don't have to operate in discipline, you just have to experience the delight and be fully present, so for a man, specifically when you got disciplined in your life and you've got discipline in your business and all of that, when you're with your wife and everything is like put up and the kids are asleep and everything is where it needs to be. At that moment, call off the dogs, relax and just experience the delight.

Speaker 2:

Mm. Yeah, that's so good and I have to add, david is a lot of fun. That is a game changer in the home. Life is hard but like he brings a ton of fun. So I have to add that too.

Speaker 1:

It gets the shuffle, shuffle.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, all those things.

Speaker 1:

Can I give one quick hack before you? Ask your okay, so on the transparency or vulnerability hack for the men, when you decide to be incredibly vulnerable, do not expect intimacy after that. Because then she'll always think you are on to something, wait for the next night, and it's a lot better Call it NSA.

Speaker 3:

That's good, no strings attached.

Speaker 2:

Okay, this is an NSA combo there babe.

Speaker 3:

I'll just let you into my secret.

Speaker 2:

That's gonna save a lot of people. I already knew it, but yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1:

So was I vulnerable last night Because it didn't happen. Tonight's the night, night's the night. No, we're gonna be in Colorado tonight.

Speaker 2:

Oh sure.

Speaker 3:

I'll be with.

Speaker 2:

Jason dad go, our kids are like stop yeah exactly, oh I guarantee right now Ava and Ella listening to this are going. Oh, she's gonna hate it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah well, they especially would hate it whenever I say that David and I travel so much together that every now and then, when we do share a room, we'll walk in and there's one king bed. And it's like you hear the music like errr screech. We just bring up more pillows and we do a little force field. We're golden, we're fine, done it enough, done it enough.

Speaker 3:

Okay, I wanna ask you guys a few parenting questions, because I think you guys are amazing parents. You're super intentional, you have amazing kids. I think you have so much wisdom in this area as well. So, looking back, what was the best parenting advice that you received that you still use today?

Speaker 2:

I know you love to talk about that cone method because it is huge.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, did you wanna say something first?

Speaker 2:

Were you gonna talk about the cone method? Oh, the one where you put the cone on the kid's head. The cone of shame like you do a dog. Yeah, so that is good.

Speaker 1:

You know, honestly, that's very kind of you to say, we're amazing parents and we have amazing kids. And yet we do believe we have amazing kids but we are not Lori's an amazing parent. I would not have been an amazing parent Like we're in the fight together all of us.

Speaker 3:

It's almost like a preacher preaching a sermon, but you're in it.

Speaker 1:

He's not like necessarily the embodiment of it, though he wants to be. But he's just speaking to the standard.

Speaker 1:

So any of these things that we share. It's like we're speaking to a standard but we by no means sit there and like we're all perfect people. No, we struggle. So everybody's dying to know this cone of shame. Well, it's not the cone of shame, it's okay. So Lori and I, early on, instinctively began to do some things with our discipline of our kids. That later on in life, Dr Kathy Cook, who wrote about the eight great traits for children and she put it into a word picture for us and I was like Lori, that's it. That's exactly what we've tried to do and we haven't always succeeded. And we saw, when we didn't apply it it didn't work. But if you can imagine a cone and not a cone, triangle a funnel a funnel.

Speaker 1:

It's tied at the bottom and loose at the time. It's bigger at the top.

Speaker 3:

That was my seventh grade haircut. Yeah, the.

Speaker 2:

V-type, that's right.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so it's a V, so it's like a funnel, and at the very bottom is your children and they're zero, one, two, three, four, and they're going up a line through the funnel right. So as they get older the funnel opens up and that is your boundaries, that is your discipline of your children. So when they are young you gotta keep it tight, even in the little things. Don't let them talk you out of it. Don't give them the one, two, three.

Speaker 3:

Oh, do not count.

Speaker 1:

You're negotiating with them that they get to do it on their time. No, you will do it all the way, right away, all the way with a happy heart and not in a mean. I'm not saying to be mean here. So for all of you seeker friendly people that he's so mean, no, I'm not saying be mean, I'm not saying be angry, I'm not saying any of that. But I'm saying you do what you say and you do it consistently. Now, this was easier for me because I'm naturally a little bit more disciplined.

Speaker 2:

Lori's got so yeah, I failed miserably at this. My empathetic I guess I'm a nine in anagram really hates to see people suffer. Yes, so Bailey, our oldest boy, or even be sent to their room. So imagine this.

Speaker 1:

So your kids, they enter the funnel at the bottom when they're young, young and it's really tight. They, you, set the boundaries. You know they need to follow the rules, but there's lots of love in the house, lots of fun, so that they don't feel like they're in some boarding school. But they know, mom and dad, they said something. We better do it Because I guarantee there will be a response.

Speaker 2:

Oh, you're teaching them authority, but their parents are authority Ultimately. God is our authority over us. So it's like this you're teaching them authority, that's right that's right.

Speaker 1:

And as they get older, what happens to the boundaries is they loosen up. So by the time they're 16, 17, they're at the top of the funnel Now they have a phone, they have keys to a car and all this. You can loosen up those boundaries because now they understand the authority structure and they have a self-discipline inside them and there's a healthy fear of the Lord and a good God honoring fear of I don't want to break the rules because I'm safe right Now. Here's what happens, and this was what Dr Kathy Cook said and I loved it. She said the problem is, if you're not tight no-transcript the cone reverses.

Speaker 1:

Like, almost like a mountain, like you're looking at a mountain peak and now you're loose at the bottom Because you're trying to negotiate with Dakota and Dakota said no. And the dad's like Dakota, use your words.

Speaker 3:

I'm like dad, he just did use his words.

Speaker 1:

You need to use your, a wooden spoon, Pop, you know. So anyway, you can't negotiate with Dakota and River and all the people and they're amazing but you don't negotiate with the friends Bailey and Ty.

Speaker 2:

We have friends that have named their daughter River, and we love them.

Speaker 1:

I didn't know that. Well, whatever, that's so funny, tori and Lori's nines are coming out. Whatever, hey, I'm using names, you don't negotiate with them, and I'm sure River is a sinner, just like Bailey's a sinner.

Speaker 3:

And Ella and Eva and Chase and.

Speaker 1:

Ty, we're going off the rails, but see, the cone reverses, and they're their own boss. They truly are the authority, and so what happens is now, all of a sudden, they have a cell phone. And now, all of a sudden, they have the keys to a car, and you realize the danger that's out there. And what do you, as parents, do? You start clamping down. And that's when rebellion sets in, and that's when the brouhaha's come.

Speaker 1:

So Lori this is probably our biggest thing. Bailey was our first. He was the first of all of us. He was the first of all of us. And so Bailey, we would. Lori was very, she was homeschooling, so she would negotiate with him at times and other things. And later on in life we realized oh snap, you know we're struggling with some discipline issues here. Thank God he came out the other side, because so I want to encourage everybody. Bailey is a baller. Now he's a 20, was he?

Speaker 2:

22? He's amazing 23. He's about to be 24. He's 24 this month.

Speaker 1:

He's crushing it in life. But I wanted to say that because maybe you didn't do it exactly right when he was younger but God's transformation power comes in. That's where and you can fix it we found ourselves tightening the boundaries and he was fighting again. He's 16, 17 and we're like trying to clamp him down. We screwed it up, but the Lord did a great work and his heart. Lord did a work in my heart especially as well, because here I am, mr Discipline, and now all of a sudden I'm like, oh yeah we screwed this whole thing up.

Speaker 1:

So anyway, that's probably the best parenting advice is to keep it tight. And if you haven't tighten it up, just be honest with your kids let them know, hey, I need to tighten it up, and here's why.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's good, as you're saying that I'm thinking that verse love covers a multitude of things. We made so many mistakes early on, but I think that our love for our kids they felt that and thankfully because of that there was a relationship there that we could be mended and so, yeah, so thankful for that, yeah, so good. What are some practices you use to connect with your kids?

Speaker 2:

Well, they're all different ages now so they look a little bit different than when they were in the house. But I would say for the girls, like anytime I can grab them for coffee or nails or something fun, that's good talk time, you know, because they're gonna do those things anyway with their friends and I'm like come do them with me, and so I always try to do that with the girls and then now that they're getting older, ella will come home and she'll just want to take a walk and stuff. So those are really fun connection times and with the boys I just always like food is always a way to their heart.

Speaker 1:

Food, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So I always you know, always want to do that with them, but I feel like with our kids, always texting them, we have a group text. Of course, every family, I think, does you just start always trying to connect that way. But I would say with that one I was thinking the biggest thing is being available in the hardest times. To be available is really the way to connect with them, because they always want to talk when you're either about to go to bed or you have like a list of 10 things and you don't have the free time and they're like bearing their heart and you don't want to miss those things.

Speaker 2:

So I feel like connection with them looks like being available, that is so true Whenever you can be available.

Speaker 3:

Honestly, I think that's one of the things that you've taught me in motherhood more than anything is that when we were with our kids and you and I were in a deep conversation and one of your kids would come up and would ask you a question, you would stop, you would look at them and you would address the issue and you were fully present with them and I was like, wow, I really stink at that. I would get so sidetracked and I'd be like hold on, hold on, hold on. And you really taught me to do that and that's something that I've seen.

Speaker 2:

I feel like you are like that to her. You're so good at that.

Speaker 1:

You know it's funny you talk about presents, because that's one thing I've seen with Lori is she's so fully present. I love the fact that she will literally and it used to bother me I'd call her and it goes to voicemail. And I call her and it goes to voicemail. I text her. She doesn't text me back. I'm like where the heck is she? But now I know she will literally set her phone down and she's fully present with our kids or with one of those moms that she's walking around the block with that she's basically unaccessible. And she has another thing that she does really well and I see this now with the advent of you know, it's just all Instagram and the InstaMoms everybody's videoing everything your kid always does, and there are moments where you don't have to.

Speaker 1:

Not everybody needs to share that Like, why don't you share those moments with your kids, just the two of you, so that you guys can experience that together? You don't have to broadcast everything.

Speaker 1:

Your kids will feel that and I'm telling you my kids, the boys of you, have said I'm so thankful that mom doesn't always video us or video everything she's doing all the time and it's like there's a place for that as a mom and a dad to help other people in certain contexts, but to do it all the time was crazy. So Lori's presence has really connected. I've seen it later on where the kids really know wow, I am the priority for mom. So good.

Speaker 1:

And what we're seeing now that our kids are all older and this is just an encouragement for all of us so you can have all these practices as parents and you're going to do your absolute dead level best, but the number one thing that you can do is have a great relationship with each other. In terms of husband and wife, Because your family is the university of relationship for your kids. So you're showing them and you're teaching them by example how you love another person.

Speaker 1:

So when you take walks together and when you've got those healthy marriage habits, and they see you guys talking with each other and not distracted with your phone all the time, but you're actually looking at each other in the eye and talking and laughing and hugging each other. Your kids are watching that and they're ultimately subconsciously they might not say it at that time, but subconsciously that's what they want and that's what they're going to go for and ultimately, that's what we want for our kids.

Speaker 1:

One of the things that we did with our kids that we actually I don't know if we took it from you guys, but if you're going to have a critical conversation or if you're going to really try to connect, don't do it face to face, do it shoulder to shoulder. So either you're working together or you're driving in a car or something like that, and it makes it a lot easier. Babe, didn't you read something about that as well?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's just easier to be moving and talking, or not eyeball to eyeball, but like in a car, facing forward, talking about heart issues. That's so true. So they don't have to make eye contact with you, especially with boys.

Speaker 1:

Oh the boys, it's hard I see Tori out rebounded for one of the boys and I'm like, oh, she's going to have a good conversation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that is the only time they talk, that is true, but this is great, just get them very distracted.

Speaker 3:

Yes, they start saying things.

Speaker 1:

Hey, well, this is. This is really fun. Now do we have a recipe situation going on Before we before we end. I have to ask you, laura?

Speaker 3:

you're an amazing cook and I have to say that our my sourdough adventure started with Lori.

Speaker 2:

It's been a fun one it's changed my life.

Speaker 3:

Oh, it's changed our whole family's life.

Speaker 2:

Every day sourdough.

Speaker 1:

Are you going to tell them about the sourdough? Oh, what is it, seminoles?

Speaker 2:

Oh no, I probably should, but the second time I made them they were a total flop. So I'm kind of very afraid to share that one until I perfect it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, but I just have to say I ate those and Lori makes those for Christmas whenever we all do the Christmas thing, and I'm not joking. They were better than Cinnabon 100%. And you did all healthy ingredients and stuff. So I mean you could still get fat eating them Totally, but they tasted incredible, so you need to figure it out.

Speaker 2:

I got to figure it out. The second time was a bomb.

Speaker 3:

Well, that one that we had was the best. So what's your recipe? Okay, so tell us a recipe of go-to.

Speaker 2:

A go-to because it's fall and I actually just made it. I've made it a lot and I make the same recipe when I get on this little run where I make it so much that I think we all get sick of it. So we're kind of sick of it now, but it's so, so good. It's ministered soup.

Speaker 2:

Oh it's delicious, it is so good. Paula Moore shared it with me and used to make it all the time when I was in her home. She was a mentor for me, showing me how to you know, homeschool and raise kids and do all the things it was. She was amazing and it's basically like sausage and cabbage and zucchini, tons of vegetables and it's so healthy for you but it's so good. It's like comfort food. You put a little Parmesan cheese on the top afterwards it's, and then of course, it is incredible.

Speaker 2:

It's so good. And then, of course, you add the sourdough bread on the side.

Speaker 3:

Perfect, you got it, so will you be willing to share that with us, and I'll put on Jason Torrey's Instagram.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely Perfect, awesome, thanks hey you got to get it videoed.

Speaker 1:

We need we need a mom bed on video. Next time you make it, video it too.

Speaker 2:

Just make it for us and video it.

Speaker 1:

She'll have me video. It'll be terrible. There are people that listen to our podcast just to get to the end for the recipes. Yes, and you know what's funny is I get guys reaching out to me like dudes that are like hey, I've been making those recipes that Torrey did.

Speaker 3:

I'm like, you're a courage, david. Did you hear that? I know I think we might hear more from guys on recipes than Really. That is true, oh, dude, don't put that in Lori's head.

Speaker 2:

Yes, no, I am already thinking that, did you hear?

Speaker 1:

She's like David, I'm not cooking anything. I'm a baller at eggs.

Speaker 3:

David and I can 100% make eggs, eggs I can do eggs, yeah, perfected the eggs yeah, it's, and we got it, that's true.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's it All right. Hey, this was really fun. So, to those of you in the beauty and battle ecosystem, thank you for being with us. The to those in the expert ownership group, thank you, guys, for being with us as well. This was an awesome awesome, awesome podcast.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for having us, that was awesome.

Speaker 1:

Parenting, for relationships, for figuring out how you're going to run a business and raise kids and love each other at the same time. So I don't know, tor, maybe we should have them on again sometime.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I know what we're going to see, what we see, how many downloads we did, or what we love when you're on a walk is stopping. Yes, on a little share basis.

Speaker 1:

The thing we loved the most was we showed up and and Tori had homemade sourdough oh my word With Canadian bacon and fried eggs.

Speaker 2:

It looks so good, we get to eat it now, I know, yeah, so if you, get to be a guest on Jason and Tori's podcast.

Speaker 1:

I'm offering offering that Tori will make you breakfast. All right.

Speaker 3:

I'll do it, so thank you for hanging out with us.

Speaker 1:

Go to beautyandbattlecom. Join our five day challenge. If you have not. Tori and I are releasing a new book and when you sign up for the five day challenge you get that book in your inbox. Marriage A to Z 30 principles to transform your relationship. And if you have not, and you're at Fayfield entrepreneur, go to expertownershipcom. Join us in owner suite there. You'll get to hang out with David and I twice a month on zoom. So anyway, that's it, see you later.

Speaker 3:

Thanks for watching.

Speaker 2:

Bye, bye yeah.

Marriage and Business
Navigating Challenges and Growth in Marriage
Strengthening Marriage Through Regular Practices
Parenting Advice
Connecting With Kids Through Availability
Importance of Relationship in Parenting